By Patrick J. Kiger

Throughout history, there have been numerous inventions—from the ancient Mesopotamians’ invention of the wheel in 3500 BC, to the jet airplane and the microchip—that revolutionized society and transformed the world. But there have been just as many, if not more, brainstorms that somehow just didn’t catch on. From the dustbin of inventiveness, here are some of the more fascinating failures.

1. 1. Dimple-Producing Device

   In 1896, a German inventor named Martin Goetze was granted U.S. patent number 560351 for what he described in his application as an “apparatus for the production of dimples on the human body.” The device consisted of a crank attached two connected, revolving metal arms that resembled a draftsman’s compass, which in turn had knobs at the end. The latter basically were used to squeeze indentations into the skin.

2. 2. Self-Defense Firecrackers for Bicyclists

   In 1900, Edward H. Wagner of New York, who was concerned about bicyclists being set upon by vicious dogs, was issued U.S. patent 653273 for a “pyrotechnic device” conveniently suspended beneath the handlebars. It was designed so that a rider could steer with one hand while igniting, aiming and shooting the small explosive at his canine antagonist. Somehow, we don’t think Cesar Milan would have approved.

3. 3. The Stationary-Bicycle-Powered Shower

   The velo-douche, also known to English-speakers as the velocipede shower bath, was developed in the 1890s in France. It basically consisted of a stationary bicycle inside a tub, attached to a pump apparatus and shower nozzle. According to the 1964 book “Water in England,” the manufacturer touted the velo-douche as “an eminently practical device for combining exercise and morning ablutions,” but this novel early approach to multitasking never seems to have made its way across the Atlantic to the U.S. And it’s probably just as well.

4. 4. The Sword-Pistol

   Have an enemy that you want to kill, but can’t make up your mind whether to shoot or stab him? Early 20th century inventor Domenic A. Ricco apparently wanted to prevent that dilemma. In 1901, he was issued U.S. patent 688548 for a revolver attached to a sword blade and positioned so that the two weapons could be used simultaneously or alternately, “thus placing in the hand of the user a duplex weapon of defense which will enable him to more successfully resist the attacks of the enemy.”

5. 5. Rotary-Blade-Powered Combination Car-Boat-Dirigible

   In 1935 H.J. Stone was issued U.S. patent 1990573 for a lighter-than-air hybrid “transportation vehicle” equipped with wheels, a pontoon and rotors that was intended to be capable of driving down a road, flying, or sailing on the water. Stone claimed that his design was also capable of “a faster rate of climb to any altitude” than aircraft of the time, though apparently, no manufacturer was willing to take him up on it.

6. 6. Cheese-Filter Cigarette

   U.S. patient 3234948 was issued in 1966 to Wisconsin inventor Stuart M. Stebbings, who had the notion of using grated cheese to filter tobacco smoke. “In order that the cheese may comprise small and well-defined particles between which smoke can pass freely, it is preferred to use a hard cheese as exemplified by Parmesian, Romano or Swiss cheeses,” he wrote. The application doesn’t ever get around to explaining the benefits of smoking with a cheese filter, which may be why the product never seems to have gone into production..

7. 7. Scalp-Cooling Device

   In 1938, a Kansas woman named Blanche B. Cole received U.S. patent 2139001 for an air-blowing machine designed to cool down beauty parlor customers’ heads after their hair had been cooked by permanent wave heaters. (It’s amazing what we humans will endure to look fashionable.) But the device never caught on, probably because someone realized that it was smarter just to turn down the heater a little.

8. 8. Smell-O-Vision

   Invented by Swiss scientist Hans Laube just before World War II, this technology used a network of pipes connected to a perfume-filled “scent brain” to deliver aromas to moviegoers at appropriate moments in a film. In 1960, movie producer Mike Todd, Jr. used it as a gimmick to hype a movie called “Scent of Mystery.” Unfortunately, as detailed in this Los Angeles Times article, at early showings, the audience complained that the artificial smells tended to linger and blend together in the theater, turning into a funky mess. By the time that technical defect was fixed, both the movie and the technology had been branded as flops..

9. 9. Fire-Escape Parachute

   In 1879, Tennessean B.B. Oppenheimer was awarded U.S. patent 221855 for “improvement in fire escape,” a device whose prosaic moniker didn’t quite convey its complete absurdity. A person trying to escape from a burning building would attach a small parachute to his or her head and slip on a pair of padded shoes, and then—at least in theory—leap out a window to safety. Fortunately, this one seems to have been too obviously crazy for anyone to give it a try.

10. 10. Air-Conditioned Rocking Chair

    The “improved rocking-chair,” for which Indiana resident Charles Singer was issued U.S. patent 92379 in 1969, included a number of innovations, including elevated rails on the stand so that small children crawling on the floor wouldn’t be accidentally crushed by grandpa. But the salient advance was inclusion of a small bellows, pumped by the rocking motion, that would send moving air though a snake-like pipe that dangled down over the seated person’s head. We’re guessing that this was all probably just a little too complicated for most furniture shoppers.

    Photo Collages by National Geographic Channel